The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love

by Jill Conner Browne

Another funny Sweet Potato Book. My goal in life, really is to be a Sweet Potato Queen. I wish Ohio had a chapter...who knows, maybe I'll start it!

Quotes I like:

"Suzanne Sugarbaker was so right when she said, There's just nothing better in life than to ride around on the back of a convertible with a crown on your head! Words to live by!"

"We love majorette boots. Not one of us ever got a pair of Real Life Majorette Boots growing up, and not one of us had ever gotten over that bitter disappointment." (Don't I know it. My Aunts had real boots that they twirled in. I longed for those boots. My Aunt Valli said I could have hers when I turned ten. I counted down the years. Dreaming of all the good times I would have in those boots. My tenth birthday came, and I went to grandma's eagerly for my boots. She said, "Those old things. They were disgusting, so I threw them out! I've never fully recovered from that....)

"We postulate that weather one is a queen or not, in any area of life, it is highly desirable to get other people-men-to do things for you whenever possible. This includes, but is certainly not restricted to, performing all manner of personal services, as in cooking, cleaning, and errand-running, and especially rubbing, fawning, worshiping in word and deed, constantly, and of course, paying for all things-as in everything sparkly!"

"I dated a wonderful guy, Ralph, for an all-too-brief period in my youth. At the time he was totally unsuitable for me: tall, dark, handsome, sexy, successful, great sense of humor, sweet, smart, really fun to be with-you get the picture. There was no way I'd get serious with a guy like that. I preferred the unemployed, although the unemployable were particular favorites, too, in those days."

"If there exists in this universe anything more infuriating and crazy-making than a man, I don't know what it is, thank you, and I don't want to know. Of course, on a good day, I would also have to say if there is anything in this universe better than a man, I don't know what it is; and I don't think it would even be healthful for me to know at this stage of my life."

"Rules to live by:
1. Be Particular (covers your diet, your love life, your financial situation, ...)
2. Be Prepared (#1 always shave your legs & pits, always have pretty underwear on, -clean is understood- , ...)
3. Never wear panties to a party. (This rule evolved by accident when I was pregnant & had long outgrown anything resembling panties...now more like pillowcases, so I decided not to wear any undies to the party. When my husband came in and expressed surprise, I commented offhand like, Oh you never wear panties to a party, and kept on doing what I was doing. He stood there slack jawed for a while then gasped, You don't? Nobody does? He acted all dreamy like we'd let him in on a big secret...so all the other Sweet Potato Queens tried it on their husbands too. Now it's just a rule. Never wear panties to a party. But there's no point in not wearing panties if nobody knows your not wearing panties, so be sure to tell someone. You will know instinctively with whom to share this information." To be prepared, carry around with you your toothbrush, a change of undies, your chosen method of protection, your favorite pillow, and perhaps even a small canned ham."

(Note to self: Get Good Vibrations catalog. This is actually a very educational book, and we do feel strongly about education.)

"We learned, thanks to our dear friends at Good Vibrations, that the vibrator was invented in the late 19th century -in America of course- by doctors for treating 'female disorders'. It seems that genital massage was standard medical practice at that time, to induce what they called 'hysterical paroxysm'. We call it orgasm today. It was invented to be a labor saving device for the doctors and a time saver too! We were not in the least surprised to hear that men were in too big a hurry to fool with us, even in the slower era. That one of the greatest boons to womankind was actually invented to make life easier for men is okay by us."

"Yes it's a good thing to be pretty. But we are not just pretty, and pretty all by itself is not worth much since it lasts only about an hour, relative to the rest of your life. In addition, pretty is just a major accident of birth, and nobody can take personal credit for it."

"If your child should be butt headed in public, squad down right beside him/her and get right in her little ear and say real low and contained, often through clenched teeth (I've found that just about anything you say through clenched teeth takes on an added tone of pith and import), 'You are acting awful, and it's embarrassing me, and if you don't stop on a dime, then in about two seconds I am going to do something that will embarrass you so much, I doubt seriously you'll ever completely recover."

"Little Beesters!"

"The point of this is to demonstrate how easily lifelong prejudices can be formed by the silliest of circumstances. Therefore we feel it is important that our children be taught this simple tenet: Hate people on an individual basis only-"

"Regarding people who endlessly pass judgment on others and proclaim loudly, as if they know, who will and who won't be in Heaven and why, my daddy always said, "Last time I checked, your name wasn't listed on the 'range-mints committee." Meaning thank God, you're not the boss of anything."

"Favorite t-shirts: 'You are Dumb.' "Men are all Idiots and I am Married to their King." "My next husband will be normal." Well I was wearing the last one at a Dairy Bar and the Little old Lady behind the counter just about fell over laughing. She was walking up and down back there, laughing and talking to herself, saying 'I don't know what in the world all these girls are thinkin' of these days, gettin' married; they must just like changin' their names- you cain't make nothin' but a man out of em'. And I don't care who he is when you git 'im home, they's somethin' bad wrong with 'im."

"Fran was broken hearted. Then one of the ladies who worked in the dining room said, "Git another one. You don't have to say a world. It's a man, I know it is. Git another one. This one don't do right, git another one. As my daddy used to say whenever he thought too much of a fuss was being made over something lost or broken, they makin' them thangs ever' day! So dispense with all the weeping and wailing."

"It's sad, but even sadder, it's true- that a disproportionate number of men who you will be temporarily enraptured with throughout your lifetime will turn out, rather sooner than later, to warrant killing. It's just almost never a good idea to follow through-although, I swear, it seems like the only way to get rid of some of them."

"I can handle this, and I will handle this, because I am the great and powerful mother!"

"As you walk down life's pathway, you may chance upon a turd- don't kick it!"