Ya-Yas in Bloom

by Rebecca Wells

Although I really like parts of all the books Rebecca Wells writes, there are definite parts that I out rightly hate. All involving abuse basically. Still her books are all worth reading, there's just somethings I can't comprehend doing or condone. I wonder a lot about the author and what kind of experiences she's had to think of such things. I still basically envy the Ya-Yas for their sisterhood though...

Quotes I liked:

"Photos in this house are not what you would call organized. You have to be an archaeologist to even form a search team."

"There are a million stories.....and the children would make their mothers tell them over and over, and if the teller forgot one single part, the children would make the raconteur go back and include it. The teller could add in new elements, but she could never leave out the essentials. That's the way it is with creation stories. You can embroider them, but you must not leave out the fundamental building blocks."

"I wonder if Mama ever knew how much that acknowledgement meant to me. I wonder if she knows how it makes up for so many things. That moment stays inside of all the other moments. It's not that it makes the other scary moments go away. But when I am up against the wall, when I am shaking with fear, the memory of that moment stops me from hiding in the bathroom and throwing up."

"Don't call her a woman," Vivi says. "Howard is a nun."
"Bride of Christ," Turner says.
"That's right," Vivi agrees.
"Did she wear a garter when she married Christ?" Lulu asks.
Vivi stares at Lulu, then she stares at Caro. "Caro, were there some kind of classes we were supposed to take before we said we'd raise kids?"
"Yeah," Caro replies. "We forgot to go."
"Oh, that's right." Vivi laughs. "We took the cha-cha classes instead, remember?"
"Let's cha-cha!" the twins demanded.
"Absolument!" Cary says and goes over to the stereo.

"This is a party. Let's get back to it." Baylor said.
"Damn well better," Shep said. "I hate to think of what those Ya-Yas could have cooked up while we were in here."
"They move fast, don't they?" George said.
"Hell, George, we've never been able to keep up with them and never will. Knew it when we married them, didn't we?"
George smiled. "I was dumber than you, Shep. I actually thought I would be the boss."
Shep laughed, "Boss a Ya-Ya? Man, you were one blind SOB!"
"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king," George quoted.

The Sweet Potato Queens' Guide To Raising Children for Fun & Profit

by Jill Conner Browne

I love the Sweet Potato Queens, and I've loved all the books so far, but this is the best one. I laughed, a lot! Good thing, because I'm in a funk and really need some laughter!

Quotes I liked: (I wish I could copy the entire book!)

Since the setting is the 60's, sex really wasn't talked about with kids much. People felt that talking about it was permission/encouragement to do it, so instead, kids inferred their own meanings to things. So here is the PQ story:
"Finally our older seesters actually did tell us some words and what they meant-for instance, boobs and twat. But we thought that our clever older seesters had made up these words theirownselves in order to talk in code in front of Stupid Grown-ups. And so we went around saying them all the time-even formed a club- we were the Twat Sisters-and oh, how funny, funny, funny we thought that was because nobody in the world but us (and our big seesters) knew what a twat was, and how clever were we? We even made up little membership cards with our names on them and everything and were just prancing around junior high school talking freely and loudly about our boobs and twats and our little club thinking what a great joke-because nobody knew what it meant but us(and our big seesters). And as it turned out, the principal. When he questioned the Twat club member she explained it wasn't really a club, just a joke based on some silly words that our big seesters had made up and shared with us. Somehow he managed to keep a straight face as he advised her that they were not secret words at all and that pretty much everybody in the world knew eggzackly what they meant. "

(This made me think of how much we thought about our permanent records while in school and how much we were threatened by them...and how little kids are today. Plus kids today probably wouldn't care, they'd just add it all to their myspace and move on!)
"We were informed in the first grade that a file bearing our name had been opened (our Permanent Record), that the information about our comportment would be duly recorded in said file, and that it would follow us all the days of our life. Once something was installed in your Permanent Record-that was it-you could never get it out no matter what. We obviously lived in mortal dread of committing any transgression that could somehow wind up inscribed in our Permanent Record. No telling how many actual felonies were prevented by this threat."

(I remember the exact moment I decided I had had enough and was going home. Kate could be born at a different time.)
"Queen G-Louise had been in labor for two whole days, and after two hours of steady pushing, she propped up and told her labor nurse that she thought she was just gonna go on home and rest awhile-she promised she'd be back tomorrow, first thing, to finish up, but she was done for today."

"Queen Jan was in labor for about twenty-four hours with her first child and her (then) husband stood by and fed her- in Jan's words-'those blankety-blank-blank ice chips they think we need when we're in labor.' Jan clearly was not appreciative of the ice chips nor of her (then) husband's feeding them to her. But she didn't cross the line over into wanting him to die until he left her side to go across the street to have a beer and get himself a big giant corned beef sandwich which he then brought into the room where she lay laboring-even to her very bedside he brought it- where he stood and ate the whole entire thing. It was twenty-three years ago and even divorcing him was not quite enough to quell her fury. The smell of corned beef still makes her want to go to the gun show.

"There are so many things in my life about which I am mildly chagrined, if not out and out ashamed of, things for which I and I alone am completely responsible, and I hope you don't ask me about any of those things. But the fact that I am 54 and climbing is not my fault- ain't nothin' I can do to stop it, 'cept die, and most days I'm not ready to do that."

Note to self: Read her seester's book Southern Fried Divorce by Judy Conner.

"Researchers have done a study on moms. There are two kinds of mothers. We have your dearly demented and overtly overachievers-these would be the Alpha moms. They make their own direct from scratch ...(pg. 71-71 and you get the idea)...Then we have the Beta Moms. We are the ones that the Alpha Moms trust only to bring the paper towels and trash bags to the parties. Beta Moms show up late, running down the halls, flip flops flapping on the floor, breathing hard, sweating, hair in a straggly knot, no makeup, scrub pants, and an oversized T-shirt frantic because we actually forgot this stupid party until we dropped off the kids and overheard one of the Alpha's kids talking about her mom renting a live parrot for the event and perching him in the banyan tree she made out of grocery sacks and twine. Totally freaked out, we roared off in our old Volvo sedan because the party was due to start in twenty minutes and we were ten minutes away from anyplace that sold paper towels and trash bags, which was our only assignment, and we'd forgotten them. Dads were not mentioned in the study, and that right there seems worthy of research to me."

"When you become pregnant, there is a pretty good chance that one day you will be going home from the hospital-having given birth to a baby with a penis. Although, truth be told, for much of the child's life (and nearly all of the subsequent man's) it will, at times, seem that you have given birth to a penis with a very small boy attached. There is absolutely nothing in this world-nor in any worlds that may lie out yonder-that holds for him any comparable levels of fascination-the word 'delight' would not be too strong here- to that which he feels for his own penis. It is truly the center of his universe, and virtually any decision he makes in life can somehow be reduced to happy penis/sad penis. They do make 'em seem like pretty much fun, don't they? What woman doesn't get the concept of penis envy? I mean, once we figure out the deal with them, and they are confusing, are they not? They are so different from anything we have. Doris recalled that the first time she saw her baby brother's tiny Unit, she thought he had two noses. (She was to learn that later in life, like noses, penises often get stuck in other people's business where they don't belong.) Brooke was really po'd about her own potty training experience when she observed that her older brother Blake could actually pee on the trees themselves and did not have to be satisfied with merely watering their roots. Have we not all shared her angst?"

(Note to self: Watch movie Hung)

Nick did this at the Home Depot. Also in the middle of the Memorial Day Parade...and in the Ball Pit at Sea World.
"Never having birthed no boy babies myself, I never endured the difficulty of looking up just in time to witness my three-year-old son shaking off after having successfully completed a satisfying whiz in one of the display toilets at Sears."

"Pint-size Penis People practically all prefer to be perfectly naked most of the time. Little boys just do seem to love to get naked-and I've not met too many-hmmm-make that any---who ever get over it. The big boys are just about as happy to be nekkid by themselves as they are if and when we get nekkid with them.)

"I think I speak for all po-po owners when I say that, yeah, the penni do have some convenience features that we lack, but overall we really wouldn't trade-holding, as we do, that major trump card-the old Multiple Orgasm."

I once put a crayon in my little sister's nose. At my grandma's house, I still remember, it was red. My thoughts were better her nose than mine! Nick put a bead in his...and then snorted with rage, so it was up close by his eyes. I was in a panic. Eventually, though, between me clamping my fingers at the highest point of his nose, and him snorting in rage to escape me, it did finally fly across the room.
"Tammy Linda was driving along with her three year old son, Allen, in that blissfully ignorant state that mothers share-right before they notice in the rearview mirror that their son is shaking his head repeatedly from side to side and they ask him why is he doing that and he tells them it's because he has an eye in his ear-like, duhhh, how could she ask such a stupid question? And so she is then forced to ask yet another one along the lines of ' What do you mean, you have an eye in your ear?' He patiently explains that he found one of those little googly doll eyes and he put it in his ear-again, like detour-what else would one do? And she, just making conversation during the detour to the ER, asks ever Mom-like, "Why did you put it in your ear?" Big duh...because he didn't have any pockets, MOM!" I suppose moms would have an easier time understanding crap like this if they had started life as little boys- but then they'd be trying to hook up the baby's nose to the Shop-Vac, too. So, I guess it's worked out best in the long run with the current setup."

"Mama, Michelle said the B word. Did not. Did too. Michelle said 'Bagina' and I heard her!"
(This makes me laugh, since our word for the Po-Po is China, due to Misty S., who in the 2nd grade told a boy named Merlon very indignantly, "Boys have Peanuts and Girls have Chinas."

"Rules for Governing Sex after Children:
1. The Park is open only when the "Park Manger' (read: wife) gives the All Clear. The All Clear means that all Attractions are up to standard-it does not guarantee that all are, in fact, open. Some Attractions are not and never will be available. (If any Campers are disgruntled over this ruling, they should perhaps consider exploring their own Attractions.)
2. The Attractions have rules. No one may ride unless certain specifications are met. All specifications are set at the total discretion of the Park Manager and are subject to change without notice. Depending on the mood of the Park Manger, some Attractions may be Shows Only, while others may be more interactive and participatory in nature.
3. Personal Park Hopper Passes are available but Campers should expect to pay hefty Fees (covering the cost of paying someone to take care of the children for a week whole all the Park Mangers go off on a va-damn-cation that includes, but is not restricted to shopping, drinking, shopping, lolling in the sun, drinking, and, of course, shopping-funds for all of which will also be included in the fees). Only when the Fees are paid in full will the Personal Park Hopper Pass be valid, and it, like so many things in this life, has an expiration date.
4. Positively NO Early Admission to the Park. All Attractions must be readied before the first guest enters. This requires some pre-Attraction setup- preview, and the occasional practice run of some sort. The Park Manager will not give the All Clear to pen the Park if the rides' wheels have not been properly lubed.
5. The Park is subjective to closing for repairs-either major (plastic surgery) or minor (eating the whole damn cake because it was easier than putting it away.)
In summary: Camper Does Right- Park's Open. Camper Does Bad- Park is Closed. Camper Screws Around- Park is Relocating. I do kinda like thinking of myself as Disney World, don't you?"

"No one was Mentally Ill when I was growing up. You were just crazy."

"My driving time as a youngster was divided up between making sure that my family arrived as quickly as possible at the Poorhouse and qualifying my mother for a padded room."

"It is only now, as the mother of a teenager myownself, who wants to drive, that I can even begin to comprehend what my mother meant by muttering about "the tortures of the damned."

"It is true-that ole saying you've heard- that the decision to have a child is the decision to have your beating heart just out there, walking around free in the world. Free and exposed to every danger ever thought of by a mother and more. But when they learn to drive- then you have your beating heart out there, but it's now riding on top of a four-thousand-pound bomb- if you are lucky, it's wearing a seat belt."

"You just think you worry about your children when they are little and you have an equal or perhaps greater misconception regarding the level of torment that you endure at their hands. Terrible twos? The mother of a teeager will laugh in your very own face- she would/could take on ten or twelve two-year-olds concurrently for the rest of her LIFE and it wouldn't be a very tiny pimple on the very ample ass of motherhood."

"Somewhere around 11 to 13, the eyeballs of children become extremely loose in their sockets, so that just about any disturbance in the air around them-say, a word issuing form, say your mouth- will cause immediate and severe rolling. Time and/or consequences will eventually cause the sockets to tighten up again so that their eyes remain facing forward, but I swear, for about five years, there, my daughter looked like she was from the Village of the Damned- I saw nothing but the backs of her eyeballs, she kept em rolled up so far!" (I had to share this with my niece Kristen since she has been rolling her eyes at her mom (and teachers) since she was about 7. Now she has a valid excuse...a true illness!)

A story of little Krisanne who didn't want to be a clown but a fairy, made me remember Kirsten pretending to be Cinderella while Katie was the Fairly Good Mother.

"The minute you see your baby you grasp the full measure of the human heart's capacity for boundless love and transcendent joy-and the merest glimmer of its potential for being truly and utterly broken. You know that you can bear, believe, hope, and endure all things-for the sake of this little bitty baby on your lap."

Little Altars Everywhere

by Rebecca Wells

I read the Ya-Ya Sisterhood years ago. I loved the characters, most of them anyway, but I can't say that I like the book. The abuse (especially sexual) really bothered me. However I decided to give this book a chance. Same mixed feelings about it. I am going to read Ya-Yas in Bloom though to finish the set...and possibly re-read the first one. I sure wish I had friends like the sisterhood though. People to do crazy stuff with...and to just laugh and laugh.

Quotes I like:

"In summertime the child just lives for the bookmobile. Which is the whole reason why she hid up there and rode downtown and let them lock her up. She thinks books are her best friends and she wanted to be surrounded by them. I understand. None of this is strange to me. I am her mother, though, and it is my job to teach her that you cannot escape from life. Life is not a book. You can't just set it down on the coffee table and walk away from it when it gets boring or you get tired."

(You can't rewrite it either...I wish!)

"I cannot believe my ears! mama telling a poor holy woman that her hair is ugly. Mrs. Williams clears her throat and says, I wish I could. But I....We...just can't afford it. Mama says, Don't be ridiculous, you can't afford not to! I think I'll have to do penance for my mother's sins-along with my own-for the rest of my life. Mama says, Listen to me Siddalee, and listen good: There is no excuse to let your looks go, no matter how poor you are. Cleanliness might be next to godliness, but honey let me tell you, ugliness will get you nowhere."

"Oh God, I think, it's such a good life, but it hurts! I will never let him hurt me again as long as I live, I say to myself. I say it over and over again. One of these days I will learn."

"Please don't give me any more than I can handle. I am a strong woman, but don't push me. Don't push me, Lord, you hear me!"

The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love

by Jill Conner Browne

Another funny Sweet Potato Book. My goal in life, really is to be a Sweet Potato Queen. I wish Ohio had a chapter...who knows, maybe I'll start it!

Quotes I like:

"Suzanne Sugarbaker was so right when she said, There's just nothing better in life than to ride around on the back of a convertible with a crown on your head! Words to live by!"

"We love majorette boots. Not one of us ever got a pair of Real Life Majorette Boots growing up, and not one of us had ever gotten over that bitter disappointment." (Don't I know it. My Aunts had real boots that they twirled in. I longed for those boots. My Aunt Valli said I could have hers when I turned ten. I counted down the years. Dreaming of all the good times I would have in those boots. My tenth birthday came, and I went to grandma's eagerly for my boots. She said, "Those old things. They were disgusting, so I threw them out! I've never fully recovered from that....)

"We postulate that weather one is a queen or not, in any area of life, it is highly desirable to get other people-men-to do things for you whenever possible. This includes, but is certainly not restricted to, performing all manner of personal services, as in cooking, cleaning, and errand-running, and especially rubbing, fawning, worshiping in word and deed, constantly, and of course, paying for all things-as in everything sparkly!"

"I dated a wonderful guy, Ralph, for an all-too-brief period in my youth. At the time he was totally unsuitable for me: tall, dark, handsome, sexy, successful, great sense of humor, sweet, smart, really fun to be with-you get the picture. There was no way I'd get serious with a guy like that. I preferred the unemployed, although the unemployable were particular favorites, too, in those days."

"If there exists in this universe anything more infuriating and crazy-making than a man, I don't know what it is, thank you, and I don't want to know. Of course, on a good day, I would also have to say if there is anything in this universe better than a man, I don't know what it is; and I don't think it would even be healthful for me to know at this stage of my life."

"Rules to live by:
1. Be Particular (covers your diet, your love life, your financial situation, ...)
2. Be Prepared (#1 always shave your legs & pits, always have pretty underwear on, -clean is understood- , ...)
3. Never wear panties to a party. (This rule evolved by accident when I was pregnant & had long outgrown anything resembling panties...now more like pillowcases, so I decided not to wear any undies to the party. When my husband came in and expressed surprise, I commented offhand like, Oh you never wear panties to a party, and kept on doing what I was doing. He stood there slack jawed for a while then gasped, You don't? Nobody does? He acted all dreamy like we'd let him in on a big secret...so all the other Sweet Potato Queens tried it on their husbands too. Now it's just a rule. Never wear panties to a party. But there's no point in not wearing panties if nobody knows your not wearing panties, so be sure to tell someone. You will know instinctively with whom to share this information." To be prepared, carry around with you your toothbrush, a change of undies, your chosen method of protection, your favorite pillow, and perhaps even a small canned ham."

(Note to self: Get Good Vibrations catalog. This is actually a very educational book, and we do feel strongly about education.)

"We learned, thanks to our dear friends at Good Vibrations, that the vibrator was invented in the late 19th century -in America of course- by doctors for treating 'female disorders'. It seems that genital massage was standard medical practice at that time, to induce what they called 'hysterical paroxysm'. We call it orgasm today. It was invented to be a labor saving device for the doctors and a time saver too! We were not in the least surprised to hear that men were in too big a hurry to fool with us, even in the slower era. That one of the greatest boons to womankind was actually invented to make life easier for men is okay by us."

"Yes it's a good thing to be pretty. But we are not just pretty, and pretty all by itself is not worth much since it lasts only about an hour, relative to the rest of your life. In addition, pretty is just a major accident of birth, and nobody can take personal credit for it."

"If your child should be butt headed in public, squad down right beside him/her and get right in her little ear and say real low and contained, often through clenched teeth (I've found that just about anything you say through clenched teeth takes on an added tone of pith and import), 'You are acting awful, and it's embarrassing me, and if you don't stop on a dime, then in about two seconds I am going to do something that will embarrass you so much, I doubt seriously you'll ever completely recover."

"Little Beesters!"

"The point of this is to demonstrate how easily lifelong prejudices can be formed by the silliest of circumstances. Therefore we feel it is important that our children be taught this simple tenet: Hate people on an individual basis only-"

"Regarding people who endlessly pass judgment on others and proclaim loudly, as if they know, who will and who won't be in Heaven and why, my daddy always said, "Last time I checked, your name wasn't listed on the 'range-mints committee." Meaning thank God, you're not the boss of anything."

"Favorite t-shirts: 'You are Dumb.' "Men are all Idiots and I am Married to their King." "My next husband will be normal." Well I was wearing the last one at a Dairy Bar and the Little old Lady behind the counter just about fell over laughing. She was walking up and down back there, laughing and talking to herself, saying 'I don't know what in the world all these girls are thinkin' of these days, gettin' married; they must just like changin' their names- you cain't make nothin' but a man out of em'. And I don't care who he is when you git 'im home, they's somethin' bad wrong with 'im."

"Fran was broken hearted. Then one of the ladies who worked in the dining room said, "Git another one. You don't have to say a world. It's a man, I know it is. Git another one. This one don't do right, git another one. As my daddy used to say whenever he thought too much of a fuss was being made over something lost or broken, they makin' them thangs ever' day! So dispense with all the weeping and wailing."

"It's sad, but even sadder, it's true- that a disproportionate number of men who you will be temporarily enraptured with throughout your lifetime will turn out, rather sooner than later, to warrant killing. It's just almost never a good idea to follow through-although, I swear, it seems like the only way to get rid of some of them."

"I can handle this, and I will handle this, because I am the great and powerful mother!"

"As you walk down life's pathway, you may chance upon a turd- don't kick it!"

Saving CeeCee Honeycutt

by Beth Hoffman

Twelve year old CeeCee has a difficult life. She lives in the 60's, and her mom is imbalanced and getting worse. Her dad is a traveling sales person and never around. Aside from one neighbor, the town makes fun of CeeCee and her mom and shun them. CeeCee's mom dresses like a beauty queen with a tiara and sash and waves at make-believe crowds. She never really knows what's going on. Practical things like being a mom aren't part of her schedule. Then she's hit by an ice-cream truck while crossing the road from the Good Will store where she was buying more "prom" dresses. CeeCee's dad decides she will go live with her Great Aunt Tootie in Georgia. Finally, CeeCee is learning what it is like to be cared for.

Quotes I like:

"I was so embarrassed, I thought I'd implode right there on the sidewalk. With my books hugged to my chest, I ran full throttle until I reached the library. I pushed through the heavy wodden door of the ladies' restroom, hid in one of the stalls, and opened a book. I read as fast as I could, gobbling up pages until the wild thumping of my heart subsided, until the story on the pages became real and my life became nothing but a story-a story that simply wasn't true."

"My first impression was that pies seemed to help people be kind to one another a whole lot better than any mean-talking preacher. In fact, there were mores miles around the bake-sale tables than I had ever seen in one place before. I made a mental note that if I ever needed help from a man I would make him a pie."

"My life is here; this is my real life" she whimpered poking the old picture with her finger. "I was so young and beautiful."
"But momma, winning that pageant wasn't your life- it was only a day in your life- that's all. Life is what we made it. Maybe you'd be happier if you adjusted your thinking a bit!"

"Life is full of change, honey. That's how we learn and grow. When we're born, the Good Lord gives each of us a Life Book. Chapter by chapter, we live and learn. Each change gets written in your life book. It's guarded by your spirit. When a chapter of your Life Book is complete, your spirit knows it's time to turn the page so a new chapter can begin. Even when you're scared or think you're not ready, your spirit knows you are."

"I heard your momma passed away. Such a tragedy. Once you get settled, you come over and tell me all about it, but I just can't stop myself from askin'- how in the world did she get hit by a truck?"
'I was stunned speechless. Who does she think she is. What kind of person asks a question like that?
"I've learned the more we talk about things the better we feel. I talk about everything, and I know that's one of the reasons why I never so much as catch a cold."

"I don't have a bird. Who'd ever cage a bird? I can't imagine a worse fate. I bought this cage and wired the door open to remind myself how delicious freedom is-financial and otherwise."

"She reached out, slid the magazine from my fingers, and studied the woman on the cover. I used to look just like that. But after I turned forty it was a daily struggle to keep myself up. I turned forty-five this past Feb., and let me tell you, every day is nothing but an insult. Aging is a terrible slap in the face. My body betrays me every chance it gets."

"While Miz Goodpepper pulled a pitcher of lemonade from the frig, I asked 'Is the Kama Sutra a volcano?' She gasped and splashed lemonade. The strangest look streaked across her face as she sopped up the mess. 'Well I suppose some might think it's a volcano of sorts, but I can say with absolute assurance you wouldn't enjoy that book.' 'That's what I thought' I said feeling pleased with myself, 'so I put it back on the shelf.' She let out a barely audible sigh. 'Good."

"Karma stems from mental, physical, and verbal action. It's the sum of all we've said, done, and thought, be it good or bad."

"While I was out of town in April, my neighbor, the great gaping vagina otherwise known as Violene Hobbs murdered my magnolia tree!"

"There aren't enough years left in my life to cauterize the wounds that wretched woman has inflicted upon me."

"From the minute I met her I knew she was a pea-minded idiot. I've known ferms with higher IQs than hers."

"Mark my words, one day all the wicked deeds she has done will gather together and form a big black boomerang of karma that will spin through the sky and strike her down. I only hope I'm around to see it!"

"Your fire? Yes. Everyone needs to find the one thing that brings out her passion. It's what we do and share with the world that matters. I believe it's important that we leave our communities in better shape than we found them. Far to many people die with a heart that's gone flat with indifference, and it surely must be a terrible way to go. Life will offer us amazing opportunities, but we've got to be wide-awake to recognize them."

I glanced over my shoulder at the scene of the crime. When Miz Hobbs slipped on the slug and hit her head, was that kinda like the black boomerang of karma you talked about? Miz Goodpepper clutched the empty slug jar to her chest and slowly turned toward me. 'You are a very smart child.'

"Forgiveness had a whole lot more to do with the person doing the forgiving than it did with the person in need of forgiveness. She said holding on to hurt and anger made about as much sense as hitting your head with a hammer and expecting the other person to get a headache. But too many years of resentment were swollen inside me, and I had no forgiveness to offer just now."

"My grandmother was so alive and full of original ideas, especially for that era. While other women were busy being proper, she was busy cultivating her spirit."

"What's the difference between eccentric and crazy?"
"From over her shoulder she laughed and called out, 'Nobody knows!'

"It's what we believe about ourselves that determines how others see us."
"You make it sound so easy."
"You know what sugar, once you set your mind to it, it is easy."

The Geek Girl's Guide to Cheerleading

by Charity Tahmaseb and Darcy Vance

When Bethany-self-proclaimed geek girl- makes the varsity cheerleading squad, she realises that there's one thing worse than blending in with the lockers...getting noticed.

Cute book about a brainiac that makes cheerleading, and then learning how to deal with it. I got it for my daughter from the library, but I had to read it too!

Quotes I LIke:

"I guess it doesn't matter how big a boy's brain is," I whispered, "It can still be derailed by an insanely short skirt."

"We could petition to expand cheerleading to support the debate team. The chess club even. You know, Gambit to the left, castle to the right, endgame, endgame, now in sight!"

"Let's just same for some people high school never really ends" (isn't that the truth!)

"You know, chicks before dicks," Todd said, 'or in this case, pricks." I yanked free and stared at him. "How do you even know about that?" "Strategy." "What?" "Women are often the swing vote, said Todd. It's my job to be in touch with my feminine side."

Patty Jane's House of Curl

by Lorna Landvik

A book about two sisters and their relationships with men, each other, and the people who come to the beauty parlor the one sister owns told from the view point of a daughter. It's a good book, but sad too.

Quotes I liked:

"Honey, life can be a ballroom dance, or it can be full of shit, either way your job in both cases is to watch where you step."

"How old are you Ione?"
"Fifty-one"
"You don't seem that old"
"I don't think I'm that old. Mostly I feel I am nineteen."

"I just can't see myself as anything but young."
"When you're young that's how you think. But once you get not so young, you find out getting old is not so bad...even better. There is inside all of us the soul of an eight year old. Time and experience and motherhood-especially motherhood because my stars then you're in charge of someone else- make you wiser, but underneath it all is still that little eight year old center. Your age is often a number without meaning."

"To be good to yourself, sometimes it takes a special talent all its own."

"Most of the gals who come in here are looking for something more in their lives. Yes, even the church-going ones. Most of these women have husbands and children and a yearning they just can't put their fingers on. See they're all looking for something but they don't know what it is."
"Love" said Harriet.
"Happiness" piped in Ione.
"Fun?" said Nora.
"All good answers, but to get them, you need one basic thing, a sense of self. A sense that we're not just mothers or children or wives or girlfriends."
"Nora's ten year old heart pounded thinking there wasn't a person on the entire planet she could love as much as her mother."

(I miss being that "entire love" of my kids. Those were the days!)

"Then Nora became a teenager, and to her mother it seemed as if her daughter had crossed a street, leaving her explicit instructions not to follow." "It's just a phase" reassured Dixie, mother of four. "What do you expect?" "Common courtesy, a little respect." Dixie hooted, "Where you from Patty Jane? Mars? "

"There was relatively little that could effect Patty Jane's opinion of herself, but criticism from her daughter scratched and stuck to her like burrs on wool socks."

"A decision flamed in her mind. Until I can handle things, I'll pretend I can handle things. The simplicity of the plan astonished her, she felt the same exuberance as when she figured out an algebra problem. She repeated the new formula to herself, Until I can handle things, I'll pretend I can handle things."

Audrey Wait

by Robin Benway

I loved this book! Audrey breaks up with her boyfriend the day he is about to play in a club. He ends up writing a song about her before he goes. Talent Scouts at the club take the band and the song and make it big! Audrey's normal life is over!

Quotes I liked:

"They're stylin'."
"Dad, if you never say 'stylin" again, it'll be too soon."
"Can I still say things are cool?"
"Not around me please."
"That's cool."
I sighed.

(sounds so much like my kids!)

"It never fails that people will walk in at the last possible moment. I suspect it's a major conspiracy to annoy me."

A group of kids wearing bright blue t-shirts that said "Youth Choir Glee-a-Thon! on the front, which just goes to show how little parents love their kids, if they're willing to let them wear a shirt like that in public!"

"Cool sells better than brains." Jonah laughed and nodded. She's right. How many songs are written about brains?"

"I went to a concert on Friday night and made out with the lead singer from the Lolitas and their tour manager hid in the bushes and made a video of us and then sold it to the tabloids and now the principal wants to meet with me in his office," I told him since like, he wasn't going to fidn out in about three minutes anyways." "The Lolitas are way overated" he finally said. "They just don't know it yet."

"We would've kept smiling at each other like two hopeless dopes if I hadn't realized the time. Oh, half an hour in, I siad. Gotta report back to the generals. "
"Yeah, you do that, I don't want your dad to come after us."
I waved the thought away as I called home. "If anything, he'll just fuck with your head."
How reassuring. Thank you Audrey.
Anytime."

It's important to always have your enemy in your sight. Who knows what could be going on behind your back?

After sitting in the office all the time, my grades had all gone up. " My parents were absolutely gleeful. "Your social alienation is the best thing that's ever happened to you!" my mom crowed! It's nice to know whose side they're on.

I sighed, "How come when you want your parents to tell you what to do, they don't, and when you don't want them to tell you what to do they do?" "Secret parenting classes," Dad said.

"Sometimes you're gonna have to make decisions that not everyone is going to like. IF you think it's the right thing to do, you have to do it. Even if your friends and boyfriend don't like it. Heck, even if your parents don't. You have to start trusting yourself."

How Opan Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life

by Kaavya Visanathan

Opal has spent her entire life being groomed for Harvard. She has the grade point average, the school activities, and the leadership roles. She has the answers to the questions she predicts will be asked at her Harvard Interview. Then they ask her the questions she has no answers for: What does she do for fun in her free time? Who are her closest friends? Then they tell her to try again after she can answer these questions.

Her parents make a plan....they immerse her in fashion, fads, tv shows, and make a schedule for the friends and kissing.

Funny book! The mom entirely cracks me up!

Quotes I like:

"Where's your skirt?" Dad asked puzzled. I automatically tried to tub the hemline down. "This is it, Dad," I said. He looked helplessly at Mom. "Meena," he said, "She can't go to school like that...can she? That's not a skirt, it's a belt!" Mom said patiently, "This is the way all the girls dress these days. If we want Opan to succeed, she needs to fit in." "Ok," said Dad, "Show 'em what you've got Opal!" (Love the double meaning...since dad definitely doesn't mean what's hidden by the skirt!)

"What makes you the authority on nonconformity?" I snapped. "In Africa, lions always eat the gazelles that decide to run in a different direction!"

Opal and her family stop at a fast food place to regroup after the failed Harvard interview. Opl stuffs donuts in her mouth as fast as she can. Her mom and dad are ranting. Then Opal chokes on a donut and the mom pounds her on the back shrieking. ....
"The couple at the neighboring table shot us dirty looks. 'Maybe they've just immigrated,' I heard the woman mumble. My mom frowned. 'What did they say?' she asked me in a piercing whisper. 'Nothing Mom,' I said. 'They were just talking about when the next bird migration would be.' 'Isn't it a lovely day?' Mom called out. 'Are you on vacation or your honeymoon?' The woman looked at my mom like she was completely deranged. 'Actually,' she replied, exchanging a glance with her companion, 'we're on our way up to Maine for a funeral.' I briefly shut my eyes. While my mom's English was almost flawless, she still had trouble understanding people who spoke with American accents. She refused to ask people to speak up or repeat themselves; instead, she had come up with two stock phrases-- 'there you go' and 'good for you'- that she used as responses to anything she hadn't caught. More often then not, neither response was appropriate. "Good for you" my mom answered her cheerily. The couple went pale and turned their backs. I gagged on another bite of donut!"

The Flying Troutmans

by Miriam Toews

Hattie's eleven year old niece calls her and tells her that she and her brother need help. Their mother, who has schizophrenia, can't take care of them any longer. Hattie comes home from Paris to help, her sister gets checked into a psyh ward, and then tells her kids she doesn't want to see them again. Hattie, not really knowing what to do, takes them on a road trip to find their father.

A sad book, but funny incidents keep you reading.

Quotes I like:

"We're all mostly white nerds with minor physical and emotional flaws that do not require medication but do brand us as losers in the bigger picture."

"Themes has become a talking machine. Maybe she was attempting to use up all the words that Min had left behind, taking whatever popped into her head, any thought, idea or fact, and transforming it into sound, noise, life. She was talking for two, in double time. When we were kids, Min would go for months without saying a word. Her muteness was her voice, her retreat was her attack. It was all upside down and disconcerting and it had made me nuts. I used to do the same thing that Thebes was doing now, blather away non-stop about anything that came to mind, and really it was only when I got to Paris and Marc told me that silence was golden, especially mine, that I realized how much I talked."

Be nicer to people.
Be nicer to people.
Be nicer to people.
Be nicer to people.
Be nicer to people.
Be nicer to people.
Be nicer to people.
You're not stylish or cool
Be nicer to people.
Be nicer to people.
Be nicer to people.

"Thebes said that if she was eighteen and old enough to drink she'd start a book club."

"Another thing about our family, apparently, was that we were never able to define, precisely, or understand the charges being brought against us. Patterns of incomprehension."

American Thighs, The Sweet Potato Queen's Guide to Perserving Your Assets

by Jill Conner Browne

I love the Sweet Potato Queens, and my goal is to become one! Their motto: Every woman wants a tiara and hot pink majorette boots hits home with me!

Quotes I liked:

"Life pretty much peaks in the 7th grade."

"I am 14 and therefore infinitely wise-and supremely confident in that wisdom. This wisdom renders me totally without patience where any Mere Ordinary Mortals (moms) might be concerned. Whose every communication with me is met with heaving sighs and rolling eyeballs. I cannot-and really have no desire to-comprehend that any MOM may have, in fact, had an Actual Life before I and my contemporaries arrived on the scene. I cannot call up any vision of them, say, dancing with abandon, trying out the latest fashions, laughing over cocktails with girlfriends,m and just forget about anything with boyfriends.
No in my 14 year old mind's eye, the MOM have always done what my own personal MOM unit is doing right now- washing the dishes from the supper they just cooked for and served to me. The MOM have always been here, serving me, in an endless cycle of cooking, cleaning, toting, and fetching- all centered, in my mind, deservedly, around me. They did not exist before Me- because there was no Reason for them to do so. I AM- and therefore, So are They! It is, and ever will be, all about me! Suddenly, the Mom at the kitchen sink speaks, no doubt in response to some insufferable teenage remark I have made in her direction. What she says will echo in my mind for decades, I will be reminded of what a complete and total asshole I was as a teenager and I will also become less and less confident that I have improved much in that time. What the MOM says is this: 'I don't really FEEL any different inside today- then I did when I was YOUR age.' If she had picked up a pair of giant cymbals and crashed them together with my pinhead in between them, I don't think I could have been any more stupefied than I was by those words."

"Thinking about watermelon" was my daddy's recommendation for surviving any Unpleasantness, social, spiritual, physical or medical-ridiculous, but surprisingly effective."

"Today, I'm not so much interested in going to a nude beach- I would love to find a BLIND one, though."

"Baseball and all of its culture was only one small and comparatively unimportant entry on the very long list of shit we didn't know diddly about. But we have never been accused of allowing our state of being uniformed on a particular subject to interfere with our enthusiasm for it."

"Her father, whose enthusiasm at times is rivaled only by that of Eeyore, was inexplicably berating Me for some behavior he imagined She was engaging in, ...."

"the thoughts my daughter shared with me, during the course of which I have no doubt many salient points were glossed over, somehow omitted, or out and out lied about- but what was freely admitted to shocked me to my shoes..."

"They have twisted it around in their irritating little minds to interpret it in a way that anybody with even the smallest fraction of a brain should be able to tell that it says nothing of the kind and they Could discern this fact if they weren't so afflicted with cranio-rectal inversion syndrome (heads up their own asses)."

"...it was a heady experience and my inner hooker was unchained. From that day forward, I wanted to get as nearly naked as the law allowed and run up and down the road all the time. The law at the time did not allow for nearly enough nekkidity to suit me. I was not alone in the felicitous discovery that I actually possessed an inner hooker. Around 1965, everybody under the age of 30 seemed to have a similar startling revelation about themselves."

"Here's a fashion tip, when I am so fat the sheets feel tight, I don't wear lycra!"

"I have never been accused of being a clotheshorse...I'm much more of a clothes roadkill."

"Matter is never lose in the entire Universe. This is why it is impossible for there to be an overall net weight loss among the human race. If one of us loses a pound, another one of us finds it, and so the weight just gets passed around unto infinity."

"...in response to a newspaper reporter who asked about her justification for willful poisonous snake brandishment at a law enforcement officer was this, "I just wasn't in the right frame of mind that night." Now, there is a good answer, I'm saying, I am so loving this woman!"

"If embarrassment at the thought or sight of you their mom engaging in full cavort mode while wearing all manner of sparkly, glittery, spangly, and feathery garb and also demonstrating your unswerving intent to carry on with this outlandish behavior in public...yeah, regarding them...bwahahahahaha, serves em right. Is it not one of the Fondest Dreams of any Parent of a Teenager that they will be blessed to just live long enough to one day Be an embarrassment to that teenager?" (THE fondest dream is, of course, to be blessed to live Long enough to see that kid with his or her own teenager-but causing them embarrassment is one of the top dreams for sure!"

"Grandkids are the definite upside of Geezerdom. They are precious beyond words when they're Little,- and it brings to mind the good old days when your own kids were babies- and then when they turn into Teenage Mutant Hounds from Hell- you can just laugh and laugh from the soothing sanctuary of your own home, far, far away. Vengeance may indeed be His, according to the Lord, but ain't is swell when He shares just a little bit of it?"

"We both got our mama's thighs, and if you were to take a photo of the three of us standing together in swimsuits-well, for starters you'd need a wide-angle lens, not to mention a stun gun, to capture the vision since we wouldn't be volunteering to pose for this..."

"Ok, for all of us who just basically want to be rescued from whatever life situation we've gotten ourselves into-and who doesn't?- that would be sooooo great...but so NOT available. ....as a diversion instead, Ms. Alexyss K Tylor and her mamna have a teevee show that airs on public access...and she said a Word for You today my sistah....we are goddesses and we have, right there bewixt our very own legs, the power, as in THE power...the most powerful power on This planet...that's right Vagina power trumps all!"

"Live life in such a way that every morning when your feet hit the floor, the Devil says, ' Oh Shit, she's up!"